Angel Haze Dirty Gold Deluxe Review

So, here is my first blog dedicated to an album that means a lot to me, that has overcome Genre and label stereotypes and is a solid and unexpected collection of unique sounds.

If you like Hip-Hop, but also electro beats and something a little different in your music, then Angel Haze Dirty Gold is for you. The regular version is great, but it's worth the four extra songs that come with the deluxe, even if one of them is off her e.p. From earlier this year. That track "New York" put her on the map as a not to be fucked with emcee in a whole different genre and game from most. 

If you love mainstream rap, some of this album is for you, but if you'd rather hear Rudimental style beats , a deeply personal album which incorporates singing spoken word and her fast paced rapping then go get this immediately. She does remain mainstream, but not the mainstream you are used to. 

With label issues that she faced, Angel decided she was sick of meeting deadlines only for her album to be pushed back repeatedly and leaked her debut album on her own personal Twitter.

It worked, because the label went back to their original date of release and we get an awesome compilation. Oh, and she only has one guest, other than the producers and she picked Sia! The finally recognized world wide for her brilliance Sia. Good move, Angel. The album also boasts production from Markus Dravs (Björk, Arcade Fire, Coldplay), Mele (Frank Ocean), and Mike Dean (Kanye West). These are perfect collaborators for her lyrical wordplay and unique sound. Her beats on here sound a lot more polished than her previous mixtapes (which is to be expected) but a couple tracks are begging for remixes. And the album is a lot more ballad heavy, but Angel has all the talent to pull this off. Her singing is to prove she is not just another rapper in this pool of new school emcees that rely heavy on auto-tune for pop crossover and has a lot more behind her than one would think based on previous efforts from her. There are very heavy EDM influences throughout the tape, and I find most of it good for long walks and cardio. None of the album reaches mainstream status such as "Echelon", the albums first single. 

For a rapper with such a spit fire flow and an I don't give two fucks attitude, this album humbles her a little all the while showing off her skills in a more tamed manner. Don't get me wrong, she goes HARD but not in the way one would expect. I still gotta say, thoroughly enjoying this album. It's a great way to end 2013 and prepare for 2014 and what's to be expected for the new year. She panicked to get it out to teach these stuck in one genre acts out there that's there is more to Hip-Hop than bitches and hoes ( although, those are present too). 

We all need more music that goes back to the root of what music is supposed to be- inspiration. 

Not just popular trends, brand name dropping and a cameo from everyone who is popular at the time.

Angel Haze tackles this intricate web of songs all on her own, and brilliantly. 

Go at her, I dare you. 

I'm giving her 5 stars for uniqueness, dopeness and making her album a worthwhile buy with strong longevity. She ain't going anywhere!

Stay Dirty and Golden and get your Haze on...

-K.J. Dominick's 

Positive Thoughts, Eliza Doolittle, Haim, a sparkly Elephant and a Plethora of Eye Makeup

The title says it all. Well, not all of it. The title says as much as I could fit ok? 

I am listening to a song by Eliza Doolittle where she sings "sometimes I wish I was Jesus I'd get my Air Macs on and run across the sea for you"... I know that feeling, but think she might have gotten her period fashion a little off. Jesus wore A.D.I.D.A.S. But Air Macs is much less of a bitch to type than- wait, I am not typing that again! 

So, we've been talking so much about me and my problems and my body blah blah

How are you? You look great! Have you lost weight? Yeah, I did too, thank you. 

(Please read all that in a voice reminiscent of a full grown woman who is both offensively rich and talks like a baby while wearing a track suit and diamonds)

How was your weekend? Good. 

Ok I hope you are happy and realize what a kind soul I am as I just spoke kindly about you. 

Well, that was borderline kind, how do you know it wasn't kind? You only heard my side of the conversation cuz I wasn't talking to you! 

Sorry, my friend is like totes rude...

Ok, so, oh wait, oh my god, thank you. You like the shiny stud in my nose? 

Yeah I figured it was time for something small but new that made me remember my former self again in this difficult time of my life I mean of recovery. 

No, I tribally just pushed a small stud through my old piercing, it didn't really hurt and doesn't. I didn't feel the need to pay someone money I don't have to do what I actually enjoyed. It was awesome. Now, I totes regret not taking that piercing internship when I was like 21 and working 3 jobs, going to school full time and acting full time so- i couldn't have possibly fit in an internship. We all need our alone 15 minutes a day! 

I have also taken this time to catch up on True Blood and last night, I cried at Mean Girls ( I had a few 6 pack beers and a few bottle shots) umm, been listening to a lot of Haim and Eliza Doolittle, Beyonce and Justin Beiber. I know, that is a butt plug of pop, but at least it's different genres. Waiting for that Angel Haze, but I'll have to buy it cuz it's impossible (tech friends?) to download anything but iTunes on an IPad... Jerks! But I love my iPad and it's my only computer. 

Well I know it's Hawaii, but it's a beautiful day and I NEED to go out and get a job like two weeks ago, I have 1 but the dates of when I start keep changing, and I found out I have to travel across island for 3 days of training! Not cool. Well, I'll still do it, not complaining but come on! That sucks. 

Um, update on the divorce-

It sucks, we fight more and more aggressively when we communicate and I'm not playing victim, but it's always him. I snapped, and I don't think we will ever speak again after what we both said. That's a nice out for closure, right? I thought so. Pretty sure I'm gonna bite the bullet and move back to Chicago anyways. Fuck. The thought of that makes me so cold, but it's so unrealistic to stay here. 

The only validation I can think of moving to a whole new area which I have been scoping out. The apts are cheaper and I can find plenty of work or still walk to Waikiki. If I really want to make this work, I can. Just gotta try really hard and I'm terrified of it, honestly. I've never felt this insecure, alone or afraid, but also stronger than ever. I know that is a contradiction, but it's how I feel. That's the best I can describe it common folk, but in creative mind speak it's like I have been through the worlds untimely and devastating annihilation, but survived and I peel back my cloak as rubble, corrosion and decay cascade off my frail and clearly internally injured body as I hold up a single unharmed brass genie elephant shaped bottle with a small candle burning ferociously against the winds atop it. 

Thank you, I thought that was beautiful as well. I know, I told all my friends to read my blog too and donate to my paypal! This is exciting for me also! 

My girl Psalm One finally released the date of her upcoming sophomore release on Rhymesayers called  Hug Life. If you can't wait, Free Hugs is up on her bandcamp page and it's awesome! She has gotten better each verse she drops in my opinion, but I'm biased. Psalm One is my favorite rappers period. Her music is consistently original, she is cool as fuck in person and she does amazing work for the community on top of being one of the dopest lyricists in the game. I make people pass the test, they must inquire about who is playing ( she's on every hip hop playlist I make) or we aren't really gonna be friends, lol. I don't really do that, some people just have bad taste. Just don't be coming up in here playing 2chainz and expect nice things to happen. I'm serious. 

And on jeangrae.com you can watch Jeans new sitcom Life With Jeannie. It's funny as hell, and she has impeccable timing and is incredibly goofy. You can tell that in her rhyming. Jean had an awesome year releasing the 3 part Gotham Down series (now available as one album, but released as a serial on her bandcamp) it is the continuation of her alter ego serial killing assassin persona which she has been writing about on and off for the past decade. Highly recommended. 

Oh yeah, so other than the previously mentioned highlights of the week, I also have NYE to look forward to. Probably gonna do something with my girls, but low key, son. We ain't spending no more than $5 to get in the club. You should pay me, bitches! My presence is a present! 

We might just stay in, cuz that way we can get totally drunk and still have a fun time. We can dance and shit, and I'll bring my lights ( I'm mentioning them every post, damnit) 

Um, I'm shuffling my iPad songs and it's terrifying I don't know what this is and it's weird. Sometimes I wonder what I exactly downloaded the night I took all the Benadryl and the rest of the medicine cabinet...

But, I know it's from me. Ok, skip helps. 

This song is awesome! Mighty Mos!

This might be my most random entry yet, or my most clear? You decide, but keep it to your self. No fuckin spoilers on your Facebook timeline! I hate that shit! 

Gotta shout out all my best friends all over the world who have helped me get through bad days, even friends I thought I'd never talk to again or form a new friendship with. Maybe that's what they meant by time heals all... I was just thinking about it. It isn't the time for me and my ex to be together now and I have accepted that. It's time for me to rebuild old connections with friends both long lost and right in front of me and time for me to do me, put my big boy pants back on and try even harder. I can do this. And I can do it better than you, boo! 

Kidding, 

K.J. Dominick's 

When You Are Low... Procrastination... Blurred Vision...

Oy! 

How ya doin? My head kinda hurts today, and I'm pissed and kinda shocked is slept in, which means I woke up at 9 am. That is unacceptable but I haven't been sleeping well lately. 

It's been a few nights, and sleep just has not been coming my way, not the way I would prefer. 

I prefer a full evening sleep in a bed, next to my Husband and Doggy, not on a couch ( no matter how comfortable it may be, because it really it comfortable) and I'm used to having a different schedule. 

I'm used to basically everything in my life being different, but that's another story. 

What I miss the most is just the comfort, the constant, the one who would always be there. 

I'll give him that, he was always there. 

And lately, he has been a lot more civil with me, and neither one of us are taking unnecessary stabs when we communicate through texts ( which are always interpreted in the exact way you meant them). Jesus fucking Christ ( I know- language!)  but I have learned that I cannot do anything right, and glue does not fix all things. And I already know that things you miss you will always miss, but the pain gets easier. And I want it to be easier for me. And i want the pain I have inflicted to be easier, and I want to be understood. But more than that, I want to be one step closer to realizing that I will not gain that status. I need to move on, and move on quickly. Back and forth about whether or not to leave Island or stay and tough it out on my own, and if I can deal with Winter in Chicago, which does not sound nice when I already can't take the wind here at night! I feel like I'm full rich boy ( without ANY money) snob status! Lol. Chicago sounds good because I have places to stay, connections and it's far away from the situation. It will make the situation final to me, and it's hard to start over again when you are uncomfortable in your surroundings. But, in Chicago I can't afford my anxiety medication without insurance and I can't go through another kind of withdrawal! And I'm shouldn't be off my anxiety meds, I had no need to be on pain pills or anti depressants ( the anti depressants were something I got recently because my doctor wanted me to try to see if helped with my problems. It didn't. At all.) 

But, it's not like I'm staying here for my anxiety meds, I love it here! And I can either start my life here like an adult, or move to Chicago, run away, always wonder what if I had stayed and I just don't want to feel like I'm running away. Plus, I think I'm wanted in Chicago for something. Lol. I am proud to say, up I till this moment, I do have a clean record. So far, I'm doing great! Yeah...

T 

I had a photo of myself and my love, but I didn't feel it was right to post it and expose identities, although if you know me, I mean of course your gonna know what and who I'm talking about. 

Oh, well just get over it. None of you have anything to worry about, or hate me over. 

I 

I don't care what anyone says, if things like this are badass and make you very happy then who cares if you live them? And repeatedly bringing up how shocked you are at the cost and laughing but then saying you're not laughing is called laughing. Just saying. There. That was the meanest thing I ever said about you in print or person and that was still basically a joke at my expense.! 

- K.J. Dominick's out again

Xmas- The Sweet And Bitter Mother of All Holidays!

Hello Xmas, 

I see you today. I feel you. I know what you are here to do, make me reflect on this year and feel either good about my decisions or God awful about myself. I feel both. Being alone for the first Xmas in a really really long time today is cool and I'm just treating it like a day off, but deep down inside I'm wearing a happy mask to pull it together and pretend I'm ok. I mean, I am ok, but I could me more okayer. Ok? 

Aww, poor me. It's so hard to be me... Ha! 

That was so far the worst opening to a blog entry ( maybe I will am award, like The Razzies but for god awful writing) but as I wake up, the hangover wears off and I have that pesky cigarette I'm trying very hard to stop. Well, decided to wake up early and plan my day which will involve me walking my Dog and probably sun bathing. Then, maybe joining friends for food and stuff later. I have a few options, but might just sit this one out this year. I have my music, my amazing lights and a good book. Plus, I'll sip some wine later and that will help a lot. I will bounce back and forth between the two Justin's Playlist for awhile, then move on to something not quite so depressing (talking about fallen Pop stars and mediocrity) and  try and enjoy my own company. That gets old really quickly, as I've heard all of my stories and am growing quite bored with myself. Ever look in the mirror and hate that asshole looking back at you but also want to make out with him, followed by a perfectly timed bitch slap? Yeah, my mirror is an asshole! Fuck you mirror. And stop making me stare at you because you stare at me! Leave me alone...

Mirrors can give you new souls if you let them, and somehow they are responsible for Gingers ( not sure of the Correlation between the two, but yeah).

So, I just got invited to a party, but was informed everyone else would be on magical mushrooms. Um, being sober at a non sober party would suck (and I'll make an exception, I would've par taken but there isn't enough apparently) so I declined the offer, it would just be awkward all around. The solution I was given was to come by later- when your tripping harder? Still, it's nice to know I have an invite to something else. I can't even take drugs right (although my ex would strongly disagree with that statement) but, this was super early in the day so by the time I would get there they'd be on a much different level ( that shit would've worn off by then) I got there late afternoon, early evening, they were cool. Told it was awesome, I'm glad. I lived vicariously through them. 

Well, just got a great phone call from my best friend, Ayisha who lives in Michigan or Indiana or something, regardless, she is my rock and has been for most of my life and it was really good to hear from her. We now have a lets get drunk Skype date later. 

And I have a sink of Dishes with my name on them! 

Yup, Xmas this year is very exciting! Very. 

To be a greedy little elf, I shop lifted some presents yesterday from various stores I went to with my Girls yesterday, some fancy eye creams, some lip gloss, a magical little elephant with a secret stash area and a few other small things. It's my Xmas present to myself, damnit and my Karma has been on the right path lately so I believe I'm good. Plus, they were all from huge corporations, not mom and pop stores. That I do not agree with, stealing from Mom and Pops. 

None of that has to do with Xmas, but as you can tell by reading a few of these entries I'm  to exactly organized. Never been my style, organization. If you've ever lived with me, you can vouch for this. No doubt, I love to decorate and am very good at it but the rest is a mess. 

Well, what are you guys doing for Xmas? Oh yeah, you can't talk back to me. Maybe that's why I blog, to have conversations with myself and give someone the option to read my jumbled thoughts. I would probably be very confused and wonder what the point of my writing is. What if a suddenly resurrected ancient culture found this and thought it was a data collection of what the world has accomplished since their culture faded out (survival of the fittest bitches), I like to think they would be impressed. They probably wouldn't. 

That's ok I seek no approval from anyone, but in the least offensive way possible. 

Well, yesterday my ex actually was nice to me and talked to me, but still isn't over the "hurt" he feels. The " betrayal" that I caused. That's not mocking his feelings, it's just making sure you know it's a quote. Yeah, I just figure it's best not to see him, but this Christmas when I went to walk my doggy, he was in the bedroom and yelled "Merry Christmas" to me, cuz I HAD to run past him to pee really quickly. I didn't even wan to be in the apartment because it makes everyone involved in this situation more than uncomfortable. Nice, K.J. Just make yourself crazy, because your not emotionally unstable enough... 

If I can't laugh at me, only you can. Wait... That sucks. I want more options! 

We have been over this a thousand times, and really, If you believe rumors over the man you gave all your vows to who stood by your side and still tries to, and you would just throw him away then you a scrub and why am I all depressed and tripping? 

But, I'd give anything to be back in my house with my dog and my Husband just sitting there talking for hours. But, I am not putting words into mouths, I ruined everything. And I don't understand how. We would be reminiscing on how we made it another year and it would just be nice to have him just look at me this year. It would be nice if we both looked at each other the same, felt the same passion we once did for each other. Oh the irony, are we like the first getting Divorced married couple? Like, a married couple that got married because we were in love, not just because we could. And I still have so much love for him, after all this, but it's different. 

Last year, we went to our neighbors house and ate delicious vegan food and talked to a whole bunch of people we didn't know and would never see again. We also took a whole bunch of Valium and drank Grapefruit juice and Moscato so needless to say it was a lot of fun. This year, let's just say it's not quite the same. Ok, now I can tell I'm depressing even you so ill have to switch it up a bit and write something hilarious. 

Hmm... How do I entertain you my little Dove of joy? What will it take? Lol...

24 HOURS LATER:

So, Xmas turned out ALOT better than expected and in need of A LOT more Capitol letters. 

I eventually decided to return my iPod case that has been gifted to me in exchange for cash since sometimes it be's (in the trap) like that. And what? 

Anyways, went to the Apple store, returned the case which was their Red Breast Cancer a Donation color so I felt bad but fuck that, I am not having Christmas alone and totally broke, in a really nice apt. So, I went out with my friend who bought me a beer while I waited till the right time to walk my Doggy, then I went to my friends house for Xmas fun and whatnot. They are awesome guys and it couldn't have been a better idea to go there and it was just what I needed, chill and a bunch of Cookies.  I even went back today to watch movies and hang, and eat more Cookies. I don't even like Cookies that much, but apparently I do. I walked miles today over to their house. It was a friendship/Cookie Mecca. They cool Cats in my book. They alright, they good. They are such nice, chill guys and it's great to just be around positive vibes so I can just ignore all the negativity I've been trying to avoid. I also had an out of body experience when I went to bed ( passed the fuck out to my left, at home) involving my dreams and the location of where I slept and it was completely surreal. Haven't had one of those dreams in a long time. That's a part of my no meds adjustment as my Seraronin levels and brain waves reorganize and form a different assembly line to keep them in tact, basically. 

But, I found out that a friend of mine was hurt by things in my BlogOir and was told that I was talking shit about him and stuck in the past and all this and that...

Excuse me? Come again? 

I was like who the fuck told you that cuz that never happened. And if it was interpreted that way, I didn't mean it that way. I'm sorry (high road)

I mean, I got like 2 entries before this, show me where I called anybody out except I talked about my ex-Husband and mentioned a roommate and best friend. I don't understand, that right there is remaining anonymous, and unless you just never heard a word I said since I left, I am trying to be a better and good person, not evil or malicious and I don't even have time to talk shit. Yes. I am hurt and feel extreme betrayal ( that's basically what is thought about me and there for why We are in this situation in the first place) but I am not and have been trying to mend broken bridges, but I'm walking on eggshells and me, said talking shit BlogOir entry and my old situation equal BAD! No Bueno!

So, in response, I was told off! That's some bullshit right there. What?

That is insane. I never did anything to you. Yet. 

If it sounds like I'm just batshit crazy, then your right! 

So, I removed all of our mutual Facebook friends, cuz we were friends because do my friend and if someone's snooping and saying that then I basically need to cut it all out. Cut out the fat ( not calling anyone fat, it was a metaphor). The subject was that real, and ridiculous, but I'm still in shock that I can hurt people when I barely even talk to them, and am certainly not talking badly about them. Never did and never will. I have nothing but love. My BlogOir was referred to a pity party and my dear readers, if you interpreted any of this that way then my tone must have been off that entry. Or you are just looking for something to add to the he said she said crap. Rumors. They worked in High School, and apparently in Adult life, suddenly like the Kool-Aid Pitcher just burst through your wall. Is that a named, legitimately recognized phobia, the fear of huge things bursting through the wall and yelling at you? Cuz, I got that. Yeah, I got a few phobias, but I don't think they are recognized by the FDA. There's no pill for what I got. 

Anyways, i was also accused of being stuck in the past for writing about it, and I made it very clear that my blog was about my Divorce, Addictions and random things that are either funny or so embarrassing that you either laugh or get up and run. I usually end up doing both. At most dinner parties. Especially if they involve a date and any kind of important work function. 

I have a big mouth, I like to express myself. That's why I am writing this. This has nothing to do with you, her, him, that squirrel or jack shit. And why does my opinion or recollection of events bother people so much? Like I said- they are looking, ripping apart every word I say, twisting it to be insulting to justify the fact that they fight and go at me like rabid jackals, but never to my face. I'm not saying let's have a brawl, but if you care that much that means deep down you care about me and don't mean those awful things you said about me and to me. I know that you'll feel The same way but what about my demeanor makes you think I'm doing anything to you? That's where my main confusion lies. 

And I was told right off the bat to stop apologiIzing. Ok. Then you'll just say I'm mean, I mean, I'm already being ignored by ( not returning ANY of my texts or calls) and being they are being  progressively short with me when I see them. It was never personal, and my blog is about me, my situation and my life. My bad, forgot we knew people in common and the ones that are your friends and I only know them because of you will tell you some shit that I never said, but it's only you who has words put in their mouth. Pot. Kettle. Black.

And if anyone thinks I'm writing this or anything to get sympathy than it's pretty clear that you never knew me in the first place so I'm out. I would apologize but...

This BlogOir of mine has helped me unleash and get things off my chest, I seriously doubt any one reads this and has pity upon me and I hope that you are laughing at me, not with me. Ok, some jokes we are going to inevitably laugh at at the same time. The proverbial we. I have used we for many characters. I bet you are so confused and have given up. That's ok, I should've been done before I started. So! 

So- I did do a naked Twerking dance video for my  friends on a video chat today-Scandal! No, I showed my ass and twerked the fuck out! I taped it and watched it, and it's hot. I was like "Damn, I didn't know I looked this good. When did I get an ass?". So, I did the video and I can never look at my friend again ( kidding, love you!) and the moral of the story Is if you wake up the day after Christmas with nothing to do and beer, you will end up doing things you probably shouldn't that I'm sure are all over the internet by now! It's gonna go viral, white boy with weird tan lines makes that ass clap! And I'll get so much hate over it, and so much love over it, and then I'll fade into obscurity like all YouTube "stars". My editor, who is me with a hat on wanted me to tell you that If this ever becomes a book shoot your self in the face. Humanity has lost it's chutzpah! Oy!

Till next tizime, tricks,

K.J. Dominicks

Protect ya knock! Wu-Tang 4 lyfe! 

Slow Jams and Scintillating Light Experiments

Hi! How have you all been since about 6 hours ago since I updated this blog? Good? Me too. Might be the cheap Chablis Blanc I'm consuming like its water tho. Let the truthiness flow...

I'm now sitting in my roomies apartment while they are out of town and I realize this is the first time I've truly been alone in along time. Poor me, it's about time I learn how to be me, not cater to others who don't reciprocate. Keep in mind, the Divorce is new and not even finalized, so unfortunately that will be very present in my posts for a few months. I never said you had to continue to read... Wait- don't go! I implore you and yours to stay and read, I promise to entertain. I figured I'd tell you a story and you'd read it and we will commence Q&A afterwards. But, that has proven to be difficult as I've realized you can neither respond to me or ask me anything, unless you add me on Facebook or something. Well, right now I sit here with my fabulous lights, my straw-nana flavored E-Cig and this awesome new Justin Beiber CD. Just pretend it's not him, or a younger shinier version of Robin Thicke and it's a great disc. This ones for the A-adults. This CD really shows his growth, his growth in his label paying producer/songwriters to finally give him some grown up material to work with. See- for the record i listen to a lot of Pop, but I know the Industry and how it works and I'm listening for what your producers bring, that's it. I know the pop stars of today are just about looking good and auto tuning the rest to perfection and we are all ok with that, the respect I give them is solely for the people behind the scenes. But, that's a tangent. I'm going through a fucked up Divorce unexpectedly (not really) and I'll listen to what makes me happy and do what I want. Don't worry,,ain't nobody acting crazy over here. Actually since I went Sober from the unnecessary meds, I have never felt this great or aware of who,I am and can become! Instead of hurt, I will take this as an opportunity to do better in my life and focus on me, my goals and where I see this life going. I'm on the right path, and feel like a cloud of doom has been lifted off my shoulders. That cloud of doom is my own weakness, not my Ex. I allowed myself to suppress my feelings and accept things that weren't ok with me but it just simply wasn't worth the fight. If I learned anything from being married it is to never ok to completely lose yourself for  someone because you never know how really serious they are about you and you find yourself ok with things you would never be ok with. Like catering to them, worrying so much about them that you forget who you are, or letting them get away with behavior that would usually involve you sticking up for yourself but instead you would rather avoid the argument because they can yell louder than you. When you consider yourself a strong fighter for what you believe in and give up your stance to avoid confrontation- you are treating yourself unhealthily in a relationship begging for you to step it up in the right way, not just what you think is good for you both but only involves sacrifice on your part. I'm not saying and will never say I was innocent and not a major player in the Divorce, but I'm the only one who even tried. He even gave me false promises about what I had to do to even have him consider taking me back, and I did it (which involved stopping taking my antidepressants and pain pills because I was deemed as the one with the problem. Not trying to blow up anyone's spot, but my "problem" was miniscule in comparison to his on going problem. Even if we worked everything out ( which unfortunately will not happen, we are both past the point of reconciliation) it would never be the same. Maybe that's good? Well, when it comes down to it, he got to keep most of the stuff, our best friend and roommate, my dog and my heart, for now...  That's the thing about Divorce or at least seperation- you never know when you will feel better, or at least a little better. Especially mix in antidepressant withdrawal aand- go! Now it's Xmas eve, and I'm alone ( by choice, have a lot of friends or I would be straight up homeless) and this is my first Xmas in about 8 years without him. I'm doing my best to not wonder what he is doing every second, I'm hoping he sends me a mean text so I can be upset at him and not obsess over the pathetic things I let drive me crazy. I'm getting over the "he will come around and back to me" phase, but no. He won't. Every interaction gets worse and worse and I have to get my life together as soon as possible and decide what to do. Been living here without a job for about 3 weeks and in that time I've began feeling better from all situations, but I still just want to hear him say I love you before I'm out of his life entirely. I don't know if that involves boarding a plane or moving to another part of the island or what. I would like to see my dog more, but it's so awkward to go to my old house and see how excited she is to see me. It breaks my heart to see her, but it's worse to see him. It hurts my very core and I just wish he would hold me again, but that's not going to happen. The next one to hold me won't be for a long time because I'm not ready for it, but that will be a very lucky man! I know, this entry made no sense but I care not for it's the holidays, and I'm listening to teen pop sensation Justin Beiber and then I'll switch to adult pop sensation Beyonce and her incredible new CD. And I put on my magical lights. I will read I a book tonight and eat a frozen dinner. Maybe have a sip of wine, but I don't want to get all sappy. Clear headed is the way to go and the moral of the story is you need to learn when to focus on yourself and not let love or whatever your original love has morphed into. This blog has been years in the making, so a lot more posts to bring y'all. Love the one you love, but love yourself just as much. I wish you all a blessed and safe Xmas and much love to you and yours!

-K.J. Dominicks

Things, Moleskin and a cheer (tear) full Xmas!

Hi my fellow people!
Wait- don't stop reading yet! I realize that was a very contrived and non original opening for a blog memoir, or BlogOir as I like to call them. Hey wait, nobody fuckin steal that before I get a patent! That shit belongs to me!
Anyways, I hope you are still there, I probably wouldn't be. From the way I'm writing, I don't really think I actually still am. Damn these anti anxiety pills! Actually I take that back, they are heaven and the reason I can face the world. That is a side story. Ok, where was I? Let me give you guys a tip- writing a BlogOir is mad easy and if you forget what you say, scroll up bitch. It's not hard. Right back on track. You don't even gotta take notes or bullet  points to keep the conversation on track, it's right above you. My monologue that for some weird reason you have decided to read is being written like you are talking to my Grandma and gotta take notes or you will have no idea what she said or why you didn't get the answer to the only question you asked for but now you are thinking about your conservative but surprisingly liberal minded Grandma  ( she's wasn't A Conservative, she just was. She's dead, leave her alone!)  and 1930's bars and flirting with Sailors. And Pierogis for some reason... Anyways, that might just be me. Um, I'm gonna start soon ( or have I, literary wonder #1) and hope that you have found the time out of your precious little life to read. Thanks. Yeah. You're fuckin awesome! I might be ready, wait, let me take a tokey first...

Um, "tokey" means I have to pee, ok? It's Hawaiian ( it's not) and it has nothing to do with condoning "tokeING" or smoking weed cuz I'm not about to tell the world I do way more than recreationally ( I do) but I just wanted to catch you up on some of the cool Hawaiian terms I've learned/made up since we moved here. Oh yeah, this BlogOir was born and raised in Chicago ( so I'm a Gangsta), and now brought his ass to Hawaii, where I currently put the Gay in  "Gaygnsta". Hawaii is awesome and un like anywhere else in the world, except Japan. Yes it is expensive, but living downtown anywhere is expensive and I've managed to live 2 blocks away from Waikiki Beach for almost 4 years now. It can be done, although I probably wouldn't have made this move without my soon to be Ex-Husband. We moved here after my family had passed and I inherited enough money at the time to move us out, here but that's about it, because I need to take a money management classy this is embarrassing, Grandma used to say I spend money like a drunken sailor, but  this is just ridiculous. You'd think in my early thirties I'd learn my lesson by now but nope. I'm shopping as I type. It's pathetic at this point, thank fucking god I don't have Credit Cards anymore. Actually learned a lesson from those plastic little assholes and now I'm wanted in 13 states! Why you think I live in Hawaii, bro? Lol. Right now, is the most challenging but at the same time rewarding part of my life journey as well as my time in Hawaii, so I figured I'd inflict it upon you guys.
Are you guys still there? No?
I can wait...
Ok welcome back. No ma'am that is fine. NEXT time I will require a Doctors note. Please have your seat or just sit down, I don't really know where you are while yourself this, but I hope you are naked. So, I originally wanted to use this BlogOir as a way to talk to people who are going through similair situations as me which are ( drumroll please) Divorce and quitting Anti Depressants and Pain Killers Cold Turkey! Yay for me, except the Divorce part but I'm sober from pharmaceuticals except for my Anxiety medicine and have never felt better. The Divorce part, not so yay for me. But, then I decided to be selfish and just use this BlogOir to talk about myself. And you will read. I am an interesting little Peacock and it is fun to pick my brain, or at least read the parts I expose which I can laugh at if someone else does. Also, my therapist is holding me at gunpoint right now... Help me... Fuck she saw that and cocked the trigger...

So, this year, due to my never ending ball of stress I call a Divorce I am Job hunting, have overcome addiction to both Paxil and Norco and have remained sober for the past month. I have also moved all of my belongings to my friends house and have very limited visitation rights to see my Doggy, Isis. Divorce is a cock sucking backstabbing ass hole of a jerk face! Just in case u didn't know. It makes you say things like " if we had never gotten married"... If we had never gotten married? What? I'm happy and proud of most of the 8 years we spent together (married 4, I'm not that old) and we had a beautiful marriage. Yes, there were things we chose to ignore instead of work on and we knew we needed Therapy and ignored it, but we had a connection unlike any I have experienced before. Yes, we were total opposites which we always pretended was our strength but turned out to end up giving me just a thing to say after he kicked me out. So, I was basically on Paxil for 4 months, and it felt like it was working, but I turned into someone else. I just didn't give a fuck (which is not me and I could see how that would be alarming) coupled by the fact that I was so high on various pain pills all the time, and drunk, and sedated, and "tokey". I was a mess, but somehow over the Grapevine he heard I cheated on him and refuses, just plain out refuses to believe me and I was voted off the Island. Sucks, but my Roommate doesn't trust me either and they both think I am a liar, a cheat and a Thief. It's better that I don't live there anymore. They need time, and so do I. It's just been really hard to go through this, withdrawal and look for work. Not attend a job you already have, look for a new position. Paxil withdrawal is like talking really bad acid, that send shocks of electric volts through your mind, tremors, makes you hallucinate and pulses through your body. Plus, you look like shit and are exhausted all the time. Not cool. I also didn't properly ween myself off, which is both dangerous and strangely fun.  I'm not sure if my temporary roommates realized I would be going through that ( they didn't and god bless them) but I feel a lot better now and not like a zombie. Problem is, he agreed to go to counseling with me if I got clean and sober, but wants space and won't even talk to me usually. The cheating thing is just annoying and really speaks to his character, because if your Husband tells you he didn't cheat and you accuse him, you better have solid concrete evidence. I did not cheat ever, for the record, and am also the only one who stopped taking my medication to work on us. I choose not to live my life like that anymore now, but it took awhile before I felt that way. Just doing me, I have 2 jobs that I'm just waiting to start and I will be able to look for a place. I have about a month as long as i continue  to couch surf. And he has been nicer about me walking the my Doggy. And I'm feeling better. And I hope you wanna read more and were slightly end.tertained. If not, fuck it, fuck you and write your own BlogOir. I've been through way too much to even think about your shirt, but send me a link cuz I will totally read it. And hey, don't you guys feel better knowing that it's even rough in Hawaii sometimes? I think I'll go lay on my world famous backyard known as Waikiki Beach and ponder... That's a photo of swag my girl Ashe gave me. Thought I'd show a mean scary version of me embracing my festishes while trying to be sexy, and basically failing Miserably. That's why I followed it with a couple of nice, happy friendly pics. Cuz I'm a nice bitch, and I really want you to think I'm skinny and attractive. I don't even care if you read my words of wisdom as long as you or someone you know would hit this. For those who know me in the flesh, this is a joke. Well, I'm gonna wrap this up as my first entry, y'all just wait. That was a glimpse, I promise to expand on the above topic choice as well as give you a lot, lot more. 

Hugs and Blogs,

K.J. Dominicks