I see you today. I feel you. I know what you are here to do, make me reflect on this year and feel either good about my decisions or God awful about myself. I feel both. Being alone for the first Xmas in a really really long time today is cool and I'm just treating it like a day off, but deep down inside I'm wearing a happy mask to pull it together and pretend I'm ok. I mean, I am ok, but I could me more okayer. Ok?
Aww, poor me. It's so hard to be me... Ha!
That was so far the worst opening to a blog entry ( maybe I will am award, like The Razzies but for god awful writing) but as I wake up, the hangover wears off and I have that pesky cigarette I'm trying very hard to stop. Well, decided to wake up early and plan my day which will involve me walking my Dog and probably sun bathing. Then, maybe joining friends for food and stuff later. I have a few options, but might just sit this one out this year. I have my music, my amazing lights and a good book. Plus, I'll sip some wine later and that will help a lot. I will bounce back and forth between the two Justin's Playlist for awhile, then move on to something not quite so depressing (talking about fallen Pop stars and mediocrity) and try and enjoy my own company. That gets old really quickly, as I've heard all of my stories and am growing quite bored with myself. Ever look in the mirror and hate that asshole looking back at you but also want to make out with him, followed by a perfectly timed bitch slap? Yeah, my mirror is an asshole! Fuck you mirror. And stop making me stare at you because you stare at me! Leave me alone...
Mirrors can give you new souls if you let them, and somehow they are responsible for Gingers ( not sure of the Correlation between the two, but yeah).
So, I just got invited to a party, but was informed everyone else would be on magical mushrooms. Um, being sober at a non sober party would suck (and I'll make an exception, I would've par taken but there isn't enough apparently) so I declined the offer, it would just be awkward all around. The solution I was given was to come by later- when your tripping harder? Still, it's nice to know I have an invite to something else. I can't even take drugs right (although my ex would strongly disagree with that statement) but, this was super early in the day so by the time I would get there they'd be on a much different level ( that shit would've worn off by then) I got there late afternoon, early evening, they were cool. Told it was awesome, I'm glad. I lived vicariously through them.
Well, just got a great phone call from my best friend, Ayisha who lives in Michigan or Indiana or something, regardless, she is my rock and has been for most of my life and it was really good to hear from her. We now have a lets get drunk Skype date later.
And I have a sink of Dishes with my name on them!
Yup, Xmas this year is very exciting! Very.
To be a greedy little elf, I shop lifted some presents yesterday from various stores I went to with my Girls yesterday, some fancy eye creams, some lip gloss, a magical little elephant with a secret stash area and a few other small things. It's my Xmas present to myself, damnit and my Karma has been on the right path lately so I believe I'm good. Plus, they were all from huge corporations, not mom and pop stores. That I do not agree with, stealing from Mom and Pops.
None of that has to do with Xmas, but as you can tell by reading a few of these entries I'm to exactly organized. Never been my style, organization. If you've ever lived with me, you can vouch for this. No doubt, I love to decorate and am very good at it but the rest is a mess.
Well, what are you guys doing for Xmas? Oh yeah, you can't talk back to me. Maybe that's why I blog, to have conversations with myself and give someone the option to read my jumbled thoughts. I would probably be very confused and wonder what the point of my writing is. What if a suddenly resurrected ancient culture found this and thought it was a data collection of what the world has accomplished since their culture faded out (survival of the fittest bitches), I like to think they would be impressed. They probably wouldn't.
That's ok I seek no approval from anyone, but in the least offensive way possible.
Well, yesterday my ex actually was nice to me and talked to me, but still isn't over the "hurt" he feels. The " betrayal" that I caused. That's not mocking his feelings, it's just making sure you know it's a quote. Yeah, I just figure it's best not to see him, but this Christmas when I went to walk my doggy, he was in the bedroom and yelled "Merry Christmas" to me, cuz I HAD to run past him to pee really quickly. I didn't even wan to be in the apartment because it makes everyone involved in this situation more than uncomfortable. Nice, K.J. Just make yourself crazy, because your not emotionally unstable enough...
If I can't laugh at me, only you can. Wait... That sucks. I want more options!
We have been over this a thousand times, and really, If you believe rumors over the man you gave all your vows to who stood by your side and still tries to, and you would just throw him away then you a scrub and why am I all depressed and tripping?
But, I'd give anything to be back in my house with my dog and my Husband just sitting there talking for hours. But, I am not putting words into mouths, I ruined everything. And I don't understand how. We would be reminiscing on how we made it another year and it would just be nice to have him just look at me this year. It would be nice if we both looked at each other the same, felt the same passion we once did for each other. Oh the irony, are we like the first getting Divorced married couple? Like, a married couple that got married because we were in love, not just because we could. And I still have so much love for him, after all this, but it's different.
Last year, we went to our neighbors house and ate delicious vegan food and talked to a whole bunch of people we didn't know and would never see again. We also took a whole bunch of Valium and drank Grapefruit juice and Moscato so needless to say it was a lot of fun. This year, let's just say it's not quite the same. Ok, now I can tell I'm depressing even you so ill have to switch it up a bit and write something hilarious.
Hmm... How do I entertain you my little Dove of joy? What will it take? Lol...
24 HOURS LATER:
So, Xmas turned out ALOT better than expected and in need of A LOT more Capitol letters.
I eventually decided to return my iPod case that has been gifted to me in exchange for cash since sometimes it be's (in the trap) like that. And what?
Anyways, went to the Apple store, returned the case which was their Red Breast Cancer a Donation color so I felt bad but fuck that, I am not having Christmas alone and totally broke, in a really nice apt. So, I went out with my friend who bought me a beer while I waited till the right time to walk my Doggy, then I went to my friends house for Xmas fun and whatnot. They are awesome guys and it couldn't have been a better idea to go there and it was just what I needed, chill and a bunch of Cookies. I even went back today to watch movies and hang, and eat more Cookies. I don't even like Cookies that much, but apparently I do. I walked miles today over to their house. It was a friendship/Cookie Mecca. They cool Cats in my book. They alright, they good. They are such nice, chill guys and it's great to just be around positive vibes so I can just ignore all the negativity I've been trying to avoid. I also had an out of body experience when I went to bed ( passed the fuck out to my left, at home) involving my dreams and the location of where I slept and it was completely surreal. Haven't had one of those dreams in a long time. That's a part of my no meds adjustment as my Seraronin levels and brain waves reorganize and form a different assembly line to keep them in tact, basically.
But, I found out that a friend of mine was hurt by things in my BlogOir and was told that I was talking shit about him and stuck in the past and all this and that...
Excuse me? Come again?
I was like who the fuck told you that cuz that never happened. And if it was interpreted that way, I didn't mean it that way. I'm sorry (high road)
I mean, I got like 2 entries before this, show me where I called anybody out except I talked about my ex-Husband and mentioned a roommate and best friend. I don't understand, that right there is remaining anonymous, and unless you just never heard a word I said since I left, I am trying to be a better and good person, not evil or malicious and I don't even have time to talk shit. Yes. I am hurt and feel extreme betrayal ( that's basically what is thought about me and there for why We are in this situation in the first place) but I am not and have been trying to mend broken bridges, but I'm walking on eggshells and me, said talking shit BlogOir entry and my old situation equal BAD! No Bueno!
So, in response, I was told off! That's some bullshit right there. What?
That is insane. I never did anything to you. Yet.
If it sounds like I'm just batshit crazy, then your right!
So, I removed all of our mutual Facebook friends, cuz we were friends because do my friend and if someone's snooping and saying that then I basically need to cut it all out. Cut out the fat ( not calling anyone fat, it was a metaphor). The subject was that real, and ridiculous, but I'm still in shock that I can hurt people when I barely even talk to them, and am certainly not talking badly about them. Never did and never will. I have nothing but love. My BlogOir was referred to a pity party and my dear readers, if you interpreted any of this that way then my tone must have been off that entry. Or you are just looking for something to add to the he said she said crap. Rumors. They worked in High School, and apparently in Adult life, suddenly like the Kool-Aid Pitcher just burst through your wall. Is that a named, legitimately recognized phobia, the fear of huge things bursting through the wall and yelling at you? Cuz, I got that. Yeah, I got a few phobias, but I don't think they are recognized by the FDA. There's no pill for what I got.
Anyways, i was also accused of being stuck in the past for writing about it, and I made it very clear that my blog was about my Divorce, Addictions and random things that are either funny or so embarrassing that you either laugh or get up and run. I usually end up doing both. At most dinner parties. Especially if they involve a date and any kind of important work function.
I have a big mouth, I like to express myself. That's why I am writing this. This has nothing to do with you, her, him, that squirrel or jack shit. And why does my opinion or recollection of events bother people so much? Like I said- they are looking, ripping apart every word I say, twisting it to be insulting to justify the fact that they fight and go at me like rabid jackals, but never to my face. I'm not saying let's have a brawl, but if you care that much that means deep down you care about me and don't mean those awful things you said about me and to me. I know that you'll feel The same way but what about my demeanor makes you think I'm doing anything to you? That's where my main confusion lies.
And I was told right off the bat to stop apologiIzing. Ok. Then you'll just say I'm mean, I mean, I'm already being ignored by ( not returning ANY of my texts or calls) and being they are being progressively short with me when I see them. It was never personal, and my blog is about me, my situation and my life. My bad, forgot we knew people in common and the ones that are your friends and I only know them because of you will tell you some shit that I never said, but it's only you who has words put in their mouth. Pot. Kettle. Black.
And if anyone thinks I'm writing this or anything to get sympathy than it's pretty clear that you never knew me in the first place so I'm out. I would apologize but...
This BlogOir of mine has helped me unleash and get things off my chest, I seriously doubt any one reads this and has pity upon me and I hope that you are laughing at me, not with me. Ok, some jokes we are going to inevitably laugh at at the same time. The proverbial we. I have used we for many characters. I bet you are so confused and have given up. That's ok, I should've been done before I started. So!
So- I did do a naked Twerking dance video for my friends on a video chat today-Scandal! No, I showed my ass and twerked the fuck out! I taped it and watched it, and it's hot. I was like "Damn, I didn't know I looked this good. When did I get an ass?". So, I did the video and I can never look at my friend again ( kidding, love you!) and the moral of the story Is if you wake up the day after Christmas with nothing to do and beer, you will end up doing things you probably shouldn't that I'm sure are all over the internet by now! It's gonna go viral, white boy with weird tan lines makes that ass clap! And I'll get so much hate over it, and so much love over it, and then I'll fade into obscurity like all YouTube "stars". My editor, who is me with a hat on wanted me to tell you that If this ever becomes a book shoot your self in the face. Humanity has lost it's chutzpah! Oy!
Till next tizime, tricks,
K.J. Dominicks
Protect ya knock! Wu-Tang 4 lyfe!
No comments:
Post a Comment