I'm now sitting in my roomies apartment while they are out of town and I realize this is the first time I've truly been alone in along time. Poor me, it's about time I learn how to be me, not cater to others who don't reciprocate. Keep in mind, the Divorce is new and not even finalized, so unfortunately that will be very present in my posts for a few months. I never said you had to continue to read... Wait- don't go! I implore you and yours to stay and read, I promise to entertain. I figured I'd tell you a story and you'd read it and we will commence Q&A afterwards. But, that has proven to be difficult as I've realized you can neither respond to me or ask me anything, unless you add me on Facebook or something. Well, right now I sit here with my fabulous lights, my straw-nana flavored E-Cig and this awesome new Justin Beiber CD. Just pretend it's not him, or a younger shinier version of Robin Thicke and it's a great disc. This ones for the A-adults. This CD really shows his growth, his growth in his label paying producer/songwriters to finally give him some grown up material to work with. See- for the record i listen to a lot of Pop, but I know the Industry and how it works and I'm listening for what your producers bring, that's it. I know the pop stars of today are just about looking good and auto tuning the rest to perfection and we are all ok with that, the respect I give them is solely for the people behind the scenes. But, that's a tangent. I'm going through a fucked up Divorce unexpectedly (not really) and I'll listen to what makes me happy and do what I want. Don't worry,,ain't nobody acting crazy over here. Actually since I went Sober from the unnecessary meds, I have never felt this great or aware of who,I am and can become! Instead of hurt, I will take this as an opportunity to do better in my life and focus on me, my goals and where I see this life going. I'm on the right path, and feel like a cloud of doom has been lifted off my shoulders. That cloud of doom is my own weakness, not my Ex. I allowed myself to suppress my feelings and accept things that weren't ok with me but it just simply wasn't worth the fight. If I learned anything from being married it is to never ok to completely lose yourself for someone because you never know how really serious they are about you and you find yourself ok with things you would never be ok with. Like catering to them, worrying so much about them that you forget who you are, or letting them get away with behavior that would usually involve you sticking up for yourself but instead you would rather avoid the argument because they can yell louder than you. When you consider yourself a strong fighter for what you believe in and give up your stance to avoid confrontation- you are treating yourself unhealthily in a relationship begging for you to step it up in the right way, not just what you think is good for you both but only involves sacrifice on your part. I'm not saying and will never say I was innocent and not a major player in the Divorce, but I'm the only one who even tried. He even gave me false promises about what I had to do to even have him consider taking me back, and I did it (which involved stopping taking my antidepressants and pain pills because I was deemed as the one with the problem. Not trying to blow up anyone's spot, but my "problem" was miniscule in comparison to his on going problem. Even if we worked everything out ( which unfortunately will not happen, we are both past the point of reconciliation) it would never be the same. Maybe that's good? Well, when it comes down to it, he got to keep most of the stuff, our best friend and roommate, my dog and my heart, for now... That's the thing about Divorce or at least seperation- you never know when you will feel better, or at least a little better. Especially mix in antidepressant withdrawal aand- go! Now it's Xmas eve, and I'm alone ( by choice, have a lot of friends or I would be straight up homeless) and this is my first Xmas in about 8 years without him. I'm doing my best to not wonder what he is doing every second, I'm hoping he sends me a mean text so I can be upset at him and not obsess over the pathetic things I let drive me crazy. I'm getting over the "he will come around and back to me" phase, but no. He won't. Every interaction gets worse and worse and I have to get my life together as soon as possible and decide what to do. Been living here without a job for about 3 weeks and in that time I've began feeling better from all situations, but I still just want to hear him say I love you before I'm out of his life entirely. I don't know if that involves boarding a plane or moving to another part of the island or what. I would like to see my dog more, but it's so awkward to go to my old house and see how excited she is to see me. It breaks my heart to see her, but it's worse to see him. It hurts my very core and I just wish he would hold me again, but that's not going to happen. The next one to hold me won't be for a long time because I'm not ready for it, but that will be a very lucky man! I know, this entry made no sense but I care not for it's the holidays, and I'm listening to teen pop sensation Justin Beiber and then I'll switch to adult pop sensation Beyonce and her incredible new CD. And I put on my magical lights. I will read I a book tonight and eat a frozen dinner. Maybe have a sip of wine, but I don't want to get all sappy. Clear headed is the way to go and the moral of the story is you need to learn when to focus on yourself and not let love or whatever your original love has morphed into. This blog has been years in the making, so a lot more posts to bring y'all. Love the one you love, but love yourself just as much. I wish you all a blessed and safe Xmas and much love to you and yours!
-K.J. Dominicks
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