This means I will stop thinking of this situation with my Ex as a break, and realize that it is a break up.
I feel exhausted from mental abuse all week, everyday, and have been stewing it over and over again on repeat.
I now know that this will never be repaired, he has bought tickets to move off Island with our Dog, without even consulting me.
Those actions alone define our relationship right now, and the only thing in my life that is 100% stress is communication with him! which is basically narrowed down to short one word answers and questions involving the Dog, speaking volumes with our silence...
I needed this wake up call, because despite everything I was under the hopeful but desperate impression that we would try and work it out. Let me rephrase that- that he would make some sort of an effort, even the smallest of gestures that he still has a heart and doesn't think of me as the scum on the bottom of his shoe. We are after all married.
I got married for a reason, not just an opportunity. I am realizing now that he was the opposite of me as far as our relationship changed. I was always a temporary experience to add to his life. Another story to tell, another reason to wallow in his own self pity. One minute he talks about how much he loves me, the next he is taking insanely and grossly inappropriate stabs at me.
One minute he wants to meet up, then he switches and acts so cruel that I don't even want to anymore when he finally decides he is In a "good enough" place to have our first adult conversation since it all went down.
He constantly refers to " the man he married" as if I have changed that drastically in the 8 years we have been together. I will not deny that we both changed, at points very drastically and at points in small ways. I was always there for him when he went through something.
Not to say he wasn't there for me. He was good to me, even though he was an asshole and that eventually just got old.
I also got old to him, and it was clear.
We started fighting over the smallest of things, but under those things were underlying tones of love gone in the wrong direction.
When you are married, fighting over what Genre to pass out to on Netflix is so much more than what it appears to be on the surface.
He HATES most things I love, or at least grew to hate them with little to no exposure to them.
Sarah Silverman- He never saw her do more than the Roasts on Comedy Central and has a deep hatred for her which grows as my enthusiasm increases.
Any Hip-Hop- when we met he kept an open mind and always gave me props with my exquisite taste in Music but then soon decided my recommendations weren't of interest to him anymore.
There are a lot of things that I never really cared for in the first place, but I always did my best to not complain or throw a fit when I didn't get my way. We can't have 2 grown men who are trying to work on a rapidly dying love story both acting like big fat ugly stupid ridiculous babies, now can we?
Apparently we can as I have discovered as of recent we both act like babies, jerks and fuck with each other non stop like it's a science experiment.
I am convinced my ex and the roommate conspired against me for months, maybe even longer.
Why they decided to turn on me doesn't add up, yes they thought certain things about me for many reasons, all of which were incredibly awful and A Rumour.
He gave up on me the minute I wasn't putting up with his dictatorship, I mean contribution to our relationship.
I have been holding on because I didn't want this to end. I didn't get married to get divorced, especially when it's based on a rumor, there is no closure and I'm not even allowed to plead my case.
I truly believe with counseling this can be fixed, and have expressed that time and time again. And I am willing to do anything to make it work, but have just grown weary of trying so hard and being shot down.
What really hurts is how I always took care of him, and carried the slack when I had to. There were years of sexual rejection, I never had a date EVER, I put up with his drug abuse and never made him feel bad about himself, and he turned right around and crushed me- I'm recovering and I wish I didn't have to give him that power but he did.
And he abandoned me and turned his back on me.
Till death do us part? Or just when it's convenient?
And that speaks volumes about his character.
But I'm not here to point out his flaws, that is not my concern anymore.
My reasoning for venting is that after a solid week of mind fuckery at myself and the dogs expense and being blamed for everything ( yet again, 100% unable to even defend myself) he apologized for one small occurrence followed by the fact that he is moving with the dog, no matter how I feel about it and that it is truly over.
I just never saw this coming. Ever.
I mean, we were obviously going through a bad phase when the shit hit the fan but we were always able to bounce back.
This time, it was written that our time was over, and maybe it was for the best.
I am forced to blame noone but myself from here on out.
But, I am cutting off all communication except for emergencies and I will be stress free on that account.
Hopefully...
Signing out,
K.J. Dominick's
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